And I don't know what to do atm, I mean, I want to finish school but... I can't stand going to Lincoln University... I hate the place; the students, the facility, the campus, everything (except two truly awesome professors)... And now... My mother.
My mother made me go to that wretched school, even after I clearly told her I did not want to... I was even offered a special scholarship for that school by an Alumni sect within the school ($15k a year, but it is offset by the out-of-state tuition and other fees) and I still did not want to go. She expects too much of me and does not even try to understand how I feel, when I try to explain she just believes that I'm being ungrateful and she doesn't seem to care about my reasonings.
But can I really help it? I'm being forced to learn at a place so far from home, a place I feel totally uncomfortable in and despise so much and yet I'm being expected to do well there (or at least get by). I can't stand it all.
She also believes I keep flunking classes because I was not confident enough to want to do my classwork. She also, apparently, tells me the she is ultimately this pushy because I am her only child. (Yeah, like I'm going to believe that.)
I'll be honest with you, I am, in fact, not a man of confidence. I am a very unkempt and unhygienic person, my hair is a mess, I rarely brush my teeth, won't bathe regularly (I just can't bring myself to use the public showers everyday; far too many scary things in those bathrooms), and ultimately looking 'clean'; I don't 'respect' myself, not even when I was a kid. I am also not a very assertive guy, I mainly get by 'going with the flow'.
This wasn't the first time I felt so much contempt for my mother. No, not at all. Four years ago, I got mad at my mother because even though she spends soo much time with her 'boyfriend' she can't ever seem to want to do anything 'fun' with me (movies, dinner, things you'd expect a parent to do with their kids time to time), when I asked her she rambled how its because I don't respect myself, and that I'd embarrass her if she took me to such places.
I wanted to end it all right there. Kill myself and make her feel sorry for it. But I couldn't because I knew it'd be pointless (for me to do it and just to try and get her to give me that same attention she gives him), and personally I feel that ever since I've completed high school I've been nothing more as some trophy to her so she can brag about, and boy does she loves to do it, every time I call her she just goes on about how she talks about me in front of her fellow teachers (some even had taught me once).
I am very unsure of things right now, but one thing is certain to me: my mother does not truly love me. I mean, she takes care of me and worries about me when I don't talk to her for a long time. But she doesn't seem to understand (or care about) how I feel about things and just pushes stuff onto me just because she thinks 'it's best for me' and then she gets mad when she realizes that she wasted money on me because I did not want it. She is ultimately holding me back because she is preventing me from satisfying myself in life with her expectations and this needless nagging about my screw-ups. Which is why I believe its time I left her for the sake of my own advancement in life.
TL;DR
I think my mother only sees me as her personal trophy rather than an actual son. Her expectations of me are harming me and doesn't even attempt to understand how I feel. And while its true my lack of self-confidence is what the problem, her methods and reasoning of addressing it only pisses me off and confirms my suspicions, which fuels my ambitions to leave her for good. Your thoughts?
